Giving Permission: Teaching Teens The Basics

Giving permission is a hot-button topic these days.

Everyone is talking about what happens when someone doesn’t give permission, or consent, or authorization. We’ve seen some pretty bad things can happen. Things that have lifelong effects.

But, it is possible to learn how to live a healthy life with strong boundaries and permission-giving skills. Both adults and kids can practice these skills on a daily basis. Most often, tweens and teens will learn them best by watching their parents. That’s you.

Have you had this discussion with your kids: how and when to give permission? Your tweens and teens need to have a good sense of when to give someone or something permission in their lives and when not to give up that control. They also need to understand what it means when someone else says “no.”

This is much more than a sexual issue. As a parent, employee, and friend, you give and withhold permission for all kinds of interactions in your life every day. From who to celebrate the holidays with to how you spend your free time to how you let others treat you on the job. It’s all-important and part of the process of giving others permission, or not.

Giving and withholding permission isn’t all negative either. There are some very positive aspects to giving permission to someone or something in your life. As you know, teaching your kids how to do this right is important. But to do so, you need to have a firm grasp on them yourself. The question is, do you know how to do it right?

For Parents

There are two things moms and dads need in their lives to help their kids get prepared for real-life as healthy and strong individuals: boundaries and gatekeeping skills (aka permission tools.) If you haven’t worked on these in your own life it will be impossible to teach them to your tweens and teens.

Boundaries are a critical tool for kids and adults to have in their tool belts. When you learn where different people belong in your life (and where they don’t,) you create a healthy life for yourself. And, you can effectively teach your tweens and teens how to set their own boundaries. Everyone benefits from having healthy demarcation lines in their lives.

Gatekeeping tools help keep those boundaries working properly. When someone tries to storm the gates and get into an area where they haven’t been invited, you need to know how to react and what to do when there’s been a breach. Tweens and teens need to learn these skills too. They most effectively learn them by watching you. Your ability to have boundaries and guard the gates is usually passed down non-verbally.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

If you aren’t sure if you’ve got these two areas under control yet or want to firm them up, read this article about basic boundaries. I recommend reading it with your tweens and teens as it’s geared towards them. Doing the worksheet together will really help them to visualize how setting boundaries works.

Then get this book. Read it, listen to it, whatever it takes to get it into your psyche. It’s hands down, one of the most important books a parent can read and put into practice. It revolutionized my own life over a decade ago when I had no skills to say no, or not now. I can’t recommend it enough.

Friend, these are not skills that you will master overnight but, they can be practiced over time. When you continually work on setting boundaries and giving permission you will be better prepared to pass the concepts along to your tweens and teens and model them non-verbally. Listen, I’m right here with you because we can all improve in these areas. I’m walking the path right alongside you, practicing daily and modeling good boundaries and permission-giving skills.

For tweens and teens

Once your kids understand the concepts and see you modeling them in a healthy way in your own life, they can begin to practice them themselves. Using the boundaries diagram will help with setting healthy limits on how close someone can get into their lives.

But it’s also imperative to practice giving permission to others and it is a lifelong endeavor. What starts with simple permission and boundary skills with friends and family evolves into giving or withholding permission with roommates, bosses, colleagues, and others. The act of giving and withholding permission, when done properly, will save your kids time, energy, and heartache.

If they’ve got a firm handle on where their boundaries are and can effectively act as gatekeepers for their own lives, they will head out into the world much more prepared to face its challenges head-on. You, as the parent, can start talking about these things now, even if you are still working them out for yourself. Remember, kids learn these skills most often passed along by watching you practice them in your own life. Do it together. You’ll both be better for it.

How to properly give permission

When you give permission, or any of its synonyms such as consent or authorization, to someone or something it’s like opening the front door to that person or thing in your life. Giving permission requires action on your part and also a shift in perspective. When you give permission, you also give up total control, meaning you are sharing it with someone or something else.

This can be a scary proposition especially if you have never learned how to do it the right way. I contend, however, giving permission and relinquishing control is a key element of living an empowered life.

The opposite is also true. When you withhold permission you retain control. Others cannot just walk in the door. You haven’t given them consent.

As a synonym for permission, empowerment is a worthwhile goal. When you give permission for something, when you give up control, you become empowered. This is positive.

If you look at this from a parental perspective a parent who is empowered (saying yes and no in a healthy way) is a benefit to his or her self, family, and community. In the same way, a young person who can healthily give up control and then knows when to take it back is also highly empowered. That’s the kind of kids we want to send out into the world.

If you are a mom, take a look at the Proverbs 31 woman. She’s no shrinking violet. She’s empowered.

• Her actions bring good to her husband.
• She provides for her family.
• She makes wise business decisions. Ones that make a profit.
• She is prepared.
• She is a woman of accomplishment.

She didn’t just turn out this way. She put effort into her life. She began by giving herself permission and then others.

The same is true for dads. Men who lead their families, provide for, and love on their kids are strong, empowered men. They guard the gate and control what and who comes into the home. Dads like this are imperative in a healthy family and flourishing society.

You can start with simple role-playing exercises. “What would you do?” type scenarios. Make them up about roommates (college and moving out is coming up soon,) bosses (learning to say no graciously and not being taken advantage of, even though they are young,) and even family members (sometimes it’s hard for aunts, uncles, and grandparents to see kids as grown up with opinions and choices of their own.)

Talking through these scenarios in the safety of your own home will help your teen gain confidence. Don’t leave this for the first time they have a crisis with a roommate or boss. Practice now, so that the crisis can be averted and handled with maturity.

No means no

A very important part of becoming empowered is the ability to say no. Peer pressure plays such a big role. Sometimes peer pressure can be a really good thing. Sometimes though, it can be a scary battle.

Teens who know how to set boundaries and give permission properly are much better at repelling negative peer pressure than those who don’t. If, and when, they say “No” they can feel confident that their choice not to share control with another person or group is the right decision for them. That confidence is priceless.

Help your teens grow that confidence by giving them opportunities to say no in their own house. If they want to spend some time alone in their rooms, let them. If they don’t want to attend a wedding of people they hardly know, let them stay home. If they don’t like Aunt Jen pinching their cheeks like she did when they were five, back them up when they ask her not to do it anymore.

These are just some examples. You have rules and expectations in your own house. Take a look at them and see if you can give your teen opportunities to say “No” that won’t disrupt your family dynamic. Remember, you are prepping your kid for adulthood. What better place to practice than at home.

Traveling together

The goal is empowerment. The road to reaching that goal is called permission. If you start talking about empowerment now with your tweens and teens, you can be sure they will have a firm grasp on the concepts when they are ready to leave home. Together, you can learn to be strong men and women with well-honed gatekeeping skills.

As a parent, you are busy serving and providing for others. Sometimes, you forget how to nurture yourself and maintain your own health and stability. Often this is because you do not give yourself permission to do and not do things.

So, start by giving yourself permission as a mom or a dad to learn and grow. Then you can mature and build strong bonds of faith and family with your kids watching. Start talking about it together so you can learn and grow together.

How are you honing your permission skills and passing them down to your teens?

Photo by Johan Godínez on Unsplash
Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

Please follow and like us: