Do you have a teenager who seems to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of unhealthy behaviors or attitudes? It might be time to help your teen break the cycle and move forward into freedom. But how do you do it?
Helping teens break the cycle starts with prayer, involves making a plan together, and requires the acceptance of setbacks because there will be some. There’s nothing easy about it, but it is possible, and it requires parental input. This is one of those times your kid still needs you, a lot.
When you’ve got teenagers in the house there’s a new sense of urgency. It used to be you’d worry about them learning to do things, like dress themselves, read, ride a bike or take a shower every day. You were in charge of teaching them the basics. Now, you are walking alongside them as you help them prepare for life out on their own. Occasionally, teens get stuck in a cycle of behavior or thinking that they can’t seem to get out of.
Like a coach, this is where you step in and show them how to get unstuck, but you do it together. You, as the parent don’t overshadow your teen or force a change, you assist.
Harmful cycles can involve self, like perfectionism, eating habits, or self-confidence. They may involve other people, as in relationships or friend groups. The main concern is your teen is unable to break free. At some point, just talking about it isn’t going to do the trick. He needs you, the parent, to step in and help him break the cycle.
Watching your teen repeat a pattern of behavior or thinking over and over again with the same unsuccessful results is challenging. It’s hard to watch their disappointment and frustration build. When it’s time for you to step in he probably isn’t going to like it. She will be upset and embarrassed. It’s okay. Press on anyway. It’s time to come alongside and help your teen choose a different path.
The world you and I live in, at its very core, is cyclical. Seasons, orbiting around the sun, day, night….. you get the picture. Life seems to be this way too, cycles of laundry, dishes, sports practice, and bill paying. At some point, all people find themselves cycling through the same behaviors, over and over and over again.
It happens to kids.
It happens to teens.
It happens to adults.
Even when something isn’t working anymore or it has become detrimental, the cycle still goes on, unless effort is made to break the cycle.
So, what does it take to stop doing the same thing over and over with the same results – remember, this could be something very difficult such as a relationship or an addiction. But it could also be something that is deemed “acceptable” by society but is not good for your teen and you both know it.
- Food
- Shopping/spending habits
- Social media
- Video games
- Service to others
- Good grades
All of these are good in and of themselves and in moderation. Some are even necessary but they can also easily spiral out of control to become unhealthy.
The good news is that the cycle can be broken. Any cycle. From the most harmful to the annoying – it can be stopped and your teen can get off the ride.
But how?
Recognize the problem
Step number one is recognizing the problem. It’s recovery 101 right? If you see a behavior or attitude become harmful or even just overwhelming to your teen, it’s time to step in. But, you don’t want to step in like a bull in a china shop, guns blazing with a million-watt spotlight shining on the problem.
Start with prayer. Seriously, spend some considerable time on your knees for your teen. Ask the Lord how to approach the subject in a way that is open, non-confrontational, and loving. Then create an opportunity to talk on neutral ground.
Helpful Resource: Prayer Prompts For Parents Of Tweens & Teens
This is a non-negotiable. Be insistent. Spend time together doing something enjoyable, relax in the presence of one another, take time to talk, and then ask your teen about the issue you are concerned about. He might surprise you and let you know he’s worried about it too. She might ask for help. If so, you can skip ahead to the next step and start making a plan together.
If it doesn’t quite go this way, don’t despair. Sometimes, kids know there is a problem, they feel stuck, and they are embarrassed and distraught. They don’t want to have to ask for help and they don’t want to look like they failed. This is a very natural part of growing up. However, the pressure to have it all together is overwhelming and often paralyzing. Your teen does nothing because he is stuck in the cycle.
Be open to this possibility and be prepared. Be prepared to not talk, even you problem solvers and processors out there. Just listen. Turn off your word faucet and be still. If you have to ask questions, ask them gently with the intention of really listening to the answers.
This may take time, like days or even weeks. Be prepared for that too. By letting your teen know you see the problem but aren’t trying to fix it for him, you’ve opened the door just enough for him to see your intent and understand it’s safe to start talking to you about it. That’s the goal.
When you both agree there is a problem and it needs to be dealt with and you intend to be with him every step of the way, it’s time to make a plan.
Make a plan
It’s one thing for your teen to understand she needs to stop doing something, to break the cycle. It’s another thing altogether for her to know what she wants to do instead. Whenever something takes up a large portion of daily life and then gets taken away or stopped it leaves a very big hole. That hole is hungry and acts as a vacuum. It cannot stay open and gaping. Something must be put into it. Will it be another bad behavior or will it be something positive?
Together, you and your teen must have a plan before you help her rip out that thing that she wants gone.
It’s time to ask some questions.
- What are some healthy things she could do instead of what she’s doing now?
You might need to help her schedule those new things down to the minute, in the beginning, until she can make them a habit and find her rhythm. It takes time to create a habit. It’s okay for you to be there beside her as that habit is being formed.
- What are the intended consequences of breaking this detrimental cycle?
Look with her into the future. What does she see down the road as a benefit to moving away from this attitude and replacing it with a healthier one? Write down the positive, future ramifications of breaking this cycle. It’s important for her to see something good at the end of this long road. Hope does wonders.
- What will you do when you fail?
This leads to the next step.
Be prepared for setbacks
Nothing works perfectly the first time. Remember the lightbulb, the automobile, the airplane? Your teen will fail, and probably more than once. Expect it and be prepared for it. Preparation makes for a much better response.
It’s okay to fail as long as your teen agrees to keep trying to succeed. Fits and starts are a natural part of growing and learning. It is extremely difficult to break the cycle on the first try. Keep practicing, together.
More importantly, let him know you are going to be there with him during the setbacks. You won’t leave if he fails and you won’t stop believing in his success. You’re still in the game with him and rooting for him to win.
Reaching for success also means going big.
Aim high
When a life change needs to be made it isn’t enough to say – “Well, I’ll try not to do that for a day or a week or even a month.” No, this is when your teen must shoot for the stars when she’s looking to change her life and break the cycle. She has to aim high, higher than she even thinks possible, and set a course straight for her goal.
This is the most difficult part of breaking the cycle. It’s where the rubber meets the road and both you and your teen have to press hard into wanting to change. Measly goals make for measly success. Who wants that? You don’t. Your teen doesn’t, even though she doesn’t know it yet.
Aiming high leads to success that lasts. And that’s the ultimate goal, isn’t it? To see your teen break the cycle and make lasting changes.
The success that comes, as a result, will carry her into adulthood and will give her a reference point for future challenges. When she looks back she’ll remember how she succeeded at this challenge and have confidence that any new challenge will be conquerable.
This is what preparation for adulthood looks like. It’s a process of learning and doing for your teen and a process of walking alongside, coaching, for you the parent.
To encourage you both, remember this is a long-term process that will reap immense benefits. Both of you need to believe that change is possible. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Helpful resource: Setting Healthy Boundaries
I want to be very clear, this process is for breaking cycles of behaviors and attitudes that are manageable within a family. If your teen needs professional help for a destructive or addictive cycle, go get it. If you are worried about the cost – ask the counselor if they have a sliding scale to help defray costs. Don’t NOT seek help because of fear or finances. Please, get professional help if necessary.
This is one of the hard parts of parenting teens, walking beside them as they break the cycle of unhealthy behaviors or attitudes. But, together you can do this. As you coach him through and love him all along the way, you will see great growth in your teen. And you will prepare him for adulthood and being out on his own.
It’s not an easy process but it is doable. I believe in you both!
Do you need to help your teen break the cycle of something in her life?
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
Photo by Angelos Michalopoulos on Unsplash
